Mystery Science Fanfic 3000
A Firecat/Chimaera Production
[Opening Scene: The Bridge of the Satellite of Love. A seemingly
disembodied arm crawls up over the console, shortly followed by another,
and then by the head and shoulders which are, in fact, attached to them.
Somewhat mussed, Natalie blinks and peers dimly at the camera.]
Natalie: Uh...Shanti?Shanti: [from somewhere below the console] Yeah?
Natalie: This may be a stupid question, but...where are we?
[Shanti drags herself up and looks over the console. An incredulous smile
slowly spreads across her face.]Shanti: Uh, Nat? I think we're on the Satellite of Love....
[A small, red-haired, female exploder wizard in jeans and a Bastard! T-shirt *poofs* into midair stage left.]
Sansymari: *Took* you two long enough to wake up! Geez!
Natalie and Shanti: [look at each other] WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Shanti: But how did we--
Natalie: But how did *you*--
[A swirl of sakura petals resolves itself into a pair of enormous white
swan's wings just behind Sansymari. The wings open to reveal a slender
bishounen with pointy ears, wavy black hair and crystal blue eyes, wearing
black pants and a flowing burgundy silk shirt. Shanti and Natalie stop
babbling and stare.]Shanti: Wow...you're even prettier than I imagined you.
Natalie: But...but...but...you're our roleplaying characters! You live in
our heads! What the *heck* are you doing out there?!Haruhiko: It's one of those unavoidable destiny things. It would take too
long to explain.Sansymari: But I'll sum up! So like, basically you're trapped on this
spaceship--Haruhiko: Satellite.
Sansymari: Whatever! And we've been popped out of the character closets in
your minds because, well, it's a MSTie! Ya gotta have cool sidekicks!Haruhiko: I am *not* a sidekick.
Natalie and Shanti: [sweatdrop]
Sansymari: And we're gonna be tortured with terrible fanfics sent to us by
the evil Doctor! [A screen on the console lights up.] In fact, I think
that's him right about now....[The screen reveals a mad scientist's laboratory. Standing in the middle
of it is a tall, broad-shouldered man in a white lab coat. He has short
black hair with bangs that fall over a pair of mismatched eyes: one brown,
and the other white.]Natalie and Shanti: Doctor...Sakurazuka?!!!
Seishirou: Precisely. Welcome to the scene of my humble experiments. I and
my beautiful but not-too-cunning assistant are very pleased that you could
be with us tonight.[A slender young man with dark hair and faraway green eyes wanders on
screen. He gazes at the evil doctor and sighs.]Natalie: I don't believe this....
Seishirou: Whether you believe it or not, there's nothing to be done. But
come--time's running out. Let's proceed. What invention do you have to
demonstrate?[Natalie and Shanti look at each other in panic.]
Shanti: Invention...? But...we haven't had time to...we just woke up and--
Sansymari: [grinning in a way that's meant to be reassuring, and isn't]
Oh, don't worry about *that*! Haru-chan and I whipped something up!
Ta-daa!![Sansymari touches down on the floor and flings back a previously
unnoticed curtain to reveal a tall hot-pink obelisk studded with bits of
mirror. A large switch, painted the exact shade of red which really
doesn't look good with pink, no matter what certain anime artists seem to
believe, juts out from its side.]Haruhiko: Behold! The Self-Insert-O-Matic! Designed to transport you into
the anime or manga world of your choice, placing you in the role most
central to the plot and most likely to be adored by all the other
characters. [He smiles.] I came up with the idea myself, since I happen to
be a crossover character. [lowers voice] The pink and red was San's
contribution.Sansymari: [grins] Yeah, innit cool? And hey, wait--if it works like a
transporter, then we can use it to get out of this place and escape your
evil evilness! BWAHAHA!!![San pulls the switch. There's a blinding flash of light and Haru
disappears, to be replaced by a shorter dark haired bishounen with
immense purple eyes and bat wings. Natalie and Shanti immediately
facefault.]Haruhiko: AUUGHH!!! You've changed me into Kamui! Quick, change me back
before something terrible happens!!Sansymari: [buzzing around the obelisk in SD mode] Reverse the polarity!
Reverse the polarity![Natalie and Shanti continue facefaulting.]
Seishirou: I see you're still working out a few...kinks. [evil leer] Well,
while you're busy with that, allow me to demonstrate my own humble
creation. Subaru-kun...the bottle, please. [Subaru hands Seishirou an
ornate green bottle labeled with mysterious Taoist calligraphy.] Thank
you. My invention is something which legions of mere mortals like
yourselves, weary of their drab, ordinary existances, have been seeking
for years. [Seishirou opens the bottle and splashes on some of the liquid
within like aftershave. Immediately pastel sparklies fill the air around
him, his eyes go gentle and soft, and flowers mysteriously fill the
background.]Seishirou: "Essence of Shoujo"--the distillation of the purest essence of
fantasy and romance. Guaranteed to make even the most blackhearted of
villains appear sympathetic...to make every word and gesture, no matter
how mundane, seem filled with beautiful yet tragic significance...and to
make those who posess it infinitely attractive to everyone who views them.
[Subaru, looking at Seishirou, sighs happily.] It's a bit hit at
parties....Subaru: Anooo...but Seishirou-san, isn't it true that anyone who sees the
Sakurazukamori's invention has to be killed?Everyone on the SOL: [SWEATDROP]
Seishirou: Heh. For your destined fate tonight, I have a truly exceptional
specimen of fanfic perpetration. Under the guise of an original fanfic,
the author shares her...vision...of a better world.Shanti: A planet where bishounen evolved from men?
Seishirou: Close. [evil smile] I'm sure you'll be very entertainingly
tortured by this one. To have what you consider most special suddenly turn
against you and cause you pain...I find it a very poetic sort of way to
play the game. And you will feel pain with this one--believe me. [aside]
After all, I'm something of an expert on questionable fanfics. I appear in
so many of them myself. [to the SOL] If I had human emotions, I'd truly
pity you.Unfortunately, I don't.
[All stare blankly at the screen. Suddenly a light starts to flash on the
console.]Sansymari: OHH NOOO!!! We've got fanfic sign!
[delete fanfic]
Sansymari: Look! There's a break in the text! Let's run for it!!!
[All scramble out of their seats and bolt from the theater.]
Shanti: My God, I thought we'd never survive.
Natalie: We're not out of this yet! Quick, we'll have to use the
Self-Insert-O-Matic. It's the only way out!Haruhiko: But if it doesn't work--
Natalie: Better death than bad fanfic!
[Immediately San leaps up and pulls the switch. There's a blinding flash
of light, and the four are standing on a city street late at night, the
pavement around them dimly lit by a nearby streetlamp.]Haruhiko: *Now* where are we?
Sansymari: Who cares? Come on, let's make some tracks outta here before we
get caught![The four of them scram. As they rush off down the street, though, from
high atop a neighboring structure--a tower built of strange red girders--a
solitary figure watches them go. He stands balanced perfectly at ease upon
the pinnacle of the tower, a slight wind blowing his hair and the hem of
his long dark trenchcoat.]Seishirou: Of course, they only *think* that they've escaped.... [predatory
smile]
[...sakura...]
[...and yet more sakura...]
[*owaru?*]