[Author's note: It's exactly what it sounds like. ^_^ No real spoilers, I think. Dungeons & Dragons belongs to Hasbro; please see my disclaimer page for other copyright information.]

 

Weiss Play D&D

A Weiss Kreuz crackfic

By Natalie Baan
(released 06/04/06)

 

 

Part 1:

 

*Setting: the Kitten in the House flowershop, at night. Omi, Ken, and Aya are sitting around the central table. Omi has his laptop in front of him and a stack of rule books by his side. Youji is standing over next to the flower cases, talking on his cell phone.*Ken: "Youji! Hey, /Youji!/ Hurry up and get over here!"

Youji: *into cell phone* "Oh, sorry--work calls. I gotta go. But we're on for Friday night, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. You too, babe." *hangs up and strolls over to the table, humming happily*

Ken: "About time. Sheesh!"

Youji: *sits down, or, more accurately, drapes himself over a chair* "Hey, at least /one/ of us dates."

Omi: *quickly, forestalling any argument* "Okay, you guys. When we last left off, you were standing in front of the mysterious black door. It surely must lead to an unexplored part of the dungeon, but exactly what perils lie beyond it, you have no clue. What're you going to do?"

Aya: "I ready my katana."

Ken: *muttering* "I still can't believe he let you have a katana."

Aya: *raises eyebrows* "There's nothing wrong with my character having a katana."

Ken: "Yeah, but you're an elf! Elves are all about fighting with longswords and bows, right?"

Youji: "Longsword, katana, what's the difference? In the end, they're both just medium swords."

Ken: "Dude, that's sacrilege! A katana's at least as good as a masterwork longsword--"

Omi: "Um, can we /not/ get into the argument about how much better a katana is than a longsword? What are the rest of you guys doing?"

Ken: "Oh, um--the thief should check for traps, I guess!"

Youji: "That's /rogue./ Tch. 'Thief' is /so/ first edition."

Ken: "Yeah, yeah, whatever." *as Youji warms up the dice* "So hey, Youji--what would happen if your girlfriends ever found out that the great playboy is a total D&D-playing geek?" *snickers*

Youji: "They're not gonna find out...because if they /do/ find out, somebody's motorcycle is going to get a custom paint job. In a charming Hello Kitty motif."

Ken: "Ack!"

Omi: "Just roll already, Youji-kun."

Youji: *rolls dice* "29! Yeah, baby!"

Omi: "You find no traps."

Youji: *in character, dramatically* "This door is safe to pass."

Aya: "I'm going to cast /detect magic/ on the door."

Youji: *grumbles* "Oh, fine, fine, steal my drama, Mr. Wet-blanket Wizard."

*Somebody bangs loudly on the shutter outside. Weiss all jump and look around at each other.*

Ken: "Who the hell's that? It's night--the shop's closed!"

Aya: "Just ignore them and they'll go away."

*more banging*

Schuldig: "/Hey!/ I know you're in there! Open up!"

*Everyone leaps to their feet, scattering papers and dice.*

Omi: *gasps* "It's Schwarz!"

Youji: "What're they doing here?"

Schuldig: "Nah, it's just me. I'm bored! I wanna join your game."

Ken: "/What?/ Is he messing with us again?"

Aya: "You are /not/ joining our game. Go away."

Schuldig: "Aw, c'mon! I play a kickass game of D&D! Besides, I brought pizza! And beer!"

Ken: "Pizza?"

Youji: "Beer?"

*a few minutes later*

Schuldig: "Okay, so here's my character sheet."

Omi: *holding a slice of pizza in one hand and the sheet in the other* "A bard?"

Ken: *stuffing pizza into his face* "Oh man, bards suck!" *cackles*

Schuldig: "Bards are great! Ya just gotta play 'em right." *leers at Aya* "With the emphasis on 'play,' of course."

Aya: *is icily oblivious*

Youji: "Hey, does he have to actually sing to use his abilities?"

Omi: "I don't know if that's a good idea or not. We'll just have to play it by ear...I mean...I'll think about it." *hands sheet back to a smirking Schuldig, pauses, then looks thoughtful* "So...as you're standing in front of the door, you hear a distant strain of music. It's the sound of a guitar, and it's coming steadily nearer."

Aya: "I ready a /magic missile./"

Youji: "Are you going to shoot it at the darkness?"

Aya: "Shut up."

Ken: "I shout, 'Who goes there?' and brandish my torch menacingly!"

Youji: "I step away from the walking target here, get out of the light, and try to hide in shadows."

Omi: "Make your roll."

Youji: *rolls and grumbles* "12. I blame Ken."

Ken: *sneers*

Schuldig: *in character, resonantly* "I mean you no harm! I'm but a poor, lost bard. I've become separated from my party of adventurers, and I seek puissant allies to help me travel safely through this dungeon."

Ken: "Pwee-/wha?/" *in an undertone* "Did he just call us a bunch of pussies?"

Omi: "He's come close enough to enter the circle of illumination; you all can see him now."

Schuldig: "Basically, just picture me, but in tights." *smirks*

Youji: "Oh, no."

Ken: *clutching at his face* "AUGH! My eyes! My brain!" *falls off his stool and rolls around on the floor*

Schuldig: "Oh, that's real cute...."

Aya: "I cast /detect evil/ on this bard."

Omi: "He's not evil."

Ken: *from the floor* "What? How can he not be evil?"

Aya: "He must be wearing an amulet of nondetection or something. I ready my katana."

Schuldig: "/Hello!/ I /can/ play a non-evil character. It's called /role-playing,/ remember?"

Youji: "I dunno...that's kind of a stretch."

Schuldig: "Hey, if /he/ can play an elf, I can play a non-evil bard. So unless you guys want to strip-search my character to look for this hypothetical amulet...."

Youji: "Ahem! Moving right along! From where I lurk half-seen in the shadows, I say, 'He seems harmless enough. But how do we know he's what he seems? And how do we know he won't do something to betray us in the heat of battle?'"

Schuldig: *in character* "'Tis true, nothing's certain in this life. But the adventurer's path ever lies amidst such desperate uncertainties--the whim of fate all that tells between sudden death and greatest glory."

Ken: *getting back onto his stool* "Whoa. He's /good./"

Schuldig: *in character* "But I tell you truly--I'm slowly movin' closer to his character, here" *indicates Aya*--"that I will stand steadfast and loyal by your side, no matter what storms of strife may befall. For my heart has been captured and tamed like a falcon of the cliffs by the legendary beauty of Celherrien the Rose, Sword-wizard of Anfhor." *stares meaningfully into Aya's eyes*

Aya: *glares*

Youji: *sotto voce* "Wait, how does he know Aya's character's name?"

Omi: "Um, just so you know...Aya-kun's character is /male./"

Schuldig: *makes an airy dismissive gesture*

Aya: *glares some more*

Ken: "He's playing a gay bard? Isn't that kinda...you know...."

Schuldig: "The word you're looking for is 'redundant.' But the fact is--" *sits back in his chair and flips a stray lock of hair over his shoulder, smirking* "--I'm bisexual."

Youji: "Okay, the oversharing light has definitely gone on."

Omi: *quickly* "So, everybody, let's hurry up and get on with the actual adventuring tonight. Are you guys letting the bard join your party or not?"

Youji: *smiles at Aya with sly wickedness* "Seems okay by me."

Ken: "Fine, just as long as he doesn't touch me."

Aya: "/No./"

Schuldig: "Too bad! You've been outvoted."

Aya: *continues to glare*

Ken: "So we're going through this door now, right?"

Schuldig: *in character* "But wait, my friends! Are you truly prepared? For beyond that door there lies untold danger:'" *in spooky voice* "'the unholy fane of the dark elves."

Omi: "/What!/ How did you.... /Schuldig-kun!/ No fair peeking!"

Schuldig: "Hey, it's my Bardic Knowledge ability." *grins*

Omi: *icily* "Next time, we /roll/ for the Bardic Knowledge."

Ken: "So there's really dark elves?"

Omi: *wearily* "Yeah, yeah. So what are you guys going to do?"

Aya: *in character* "The danger makes no difference to me. I will go on through the black door, for I have been waiting for the day when I would find the dark elves at last, and so achieve my revenge."

Youji: "Revenge?"

Omi: "It's in his back story."

Aya: *in character* "The dark elves killed all of my family except for my sister, who lies in an enchanted slumber. I assumed her name and became an adventurer in order to repay the priestly order that cares for her. But my quest all along has been for vengeance on those evil elves who destroyed everything that I hold dear."

Schuldig: "Wow. How original."

Aya: "Shut up."

Ken: "Okay, so we're going through the door. I open it."

Youji: "Wait, did we ever get the /detect magic/ off?"

Omi: "Nope! And it's too late--Ken-kun already opened the door."

Aya: "/Dammit./"

Ken: "Oh, /shit!/" *cowers*

Omi: "Anyway, nothing happens. A passageway is revealed, stretching on into the darkness."

Ken: "Whew." *wilts with relief*

Omi: *with excessive genkiness* "Marching order, everyone!"

Aya: "I think the bard should definitely go first."

Schuldig: *purrs* "Actually, I was hoping to guard your rear." *suggestive look*

Youji: *snerks*

Ken: *semi-in character* "This is takin' too long!" *slaps his miniature down assertively on the table* "I'm goin' first!"

Omi: "Okay, so the rest of you fall in behind the fighter, and the party moves forward into the dark stone passageway."

Schuldig: *semi-in character* "Ooh, it's daaaark." *hitches his seat a couple of inches closer to Aya's* "Let me take shelter next to your fire, that we may ward off the night's terrors as one."

Aya: "Two words. /Magic. Missile./"

 

 

Part 2:

 

[*A short time passes. The adventurers move down the passageway and enter a ruined, cavernous room, where they're ambushed by spider-kobolds who were alerted by an /alarm/ spell that had been cast on the black door. Oops.*]

Omi: "The remaining spider-kobolds shoot their webs at you, Youji-kun. Make a Reflex save."

Youji: "I fecking /hate/ templates." *rolls* "That's a 21 with modifiers. And I've got evasion, so that means I dodge the webs completely, right?"

Omi: "Yeah, okay. And it's your initiative now."

Youji: "I tumble behind the broken columns and pick up the hand-crossbow that the kobold sniper dropped there. Then I ready an action to shoot their wizard if he starts to cast a spell." *rolls* "Sweet!" *semi-in character* "Guys, I could use someone to cover me here!"

Schuldig: *singing* "You and my loneliness / Weighs down on me like a kiss...."

Omi: *ignoring Schuldig* "Okay, it's Ken-kun's turn now."

Ken: "/Finally!/" *rolls dice* "Yeah, a hit! Great Cleave, Great Cleave! Rarrr!" *rolls more dice*

Schuldig: "Are you sure you're not playing a barbarian? 'Cause I'm sensing a little rage here."

Ken: "Are you sure you're not playing a fairy? Oh, wait...."

Omi: "Ken-kun, that's not very PC."

Aya: "Is it a new round yet?"

Omi: "Just a moment...Ken-kun, you dropped the first kobold-spider. The second's still up but it looks badly hurt. And those are the only ones you can reach, since you're still stuck in the webs. Okay, new round. Aya-kun?"

Aya: "I cast my /enlarged burning hands/--/don't/ say anything, Schuldig."

Schuldig: "Moi? I wouldn't dream of it." *singing* "And we start to notice that pain -- / That beautiful parting taking over, I think...."

Youji: "Do you have to sing that song?"

Schuldig: "You'd prefer some Evanescence, maybe?"

Aya: "I'm going to set these webs on fire." *indicates a cone-shaped area on the battle map*

Ken: "Waitaminute! /Aya!/ I'm trapped in those webs!"

Aya: "Well, soon you won't be."

Ken: "Argh!"

Omi: "/Ouch./ Okay, the enlarged spell has a thirty-foot range, so that clears your whole corner of the room and sets fire to the webs all along this line. Ken-kun, you're right on the edge of that area, so you only take 2d4 from the burning webs, not the 5d4 from the spell." *rolls* "You still take 7 points of damage, though."

Ken: "Shit! I'm starting to get low on hit points, guys."

Omi: "The kobold wizard bares its teeth at Celherrien and hisses in fury. It raises its clawed hands in a series of arcane gestures."

Youji: "Aha! Eat pointy death, you kobold scum!" *rolls* "Oh, yeah! Luck is a lady and she loves me tonight!"

Omi: *rolls* "He fails his Concentration check and his spell's ruined. Schuldig-kun, it's your turn."

Schuldig: "Okay, I stop singing and cast /grease/ on the floor right here, between the spider-thingums and Youji's character."

Youji: "Do I want to ask why you have a spell called /grease/?"

Schuldig: "Hey, you never know when a little lube will come in handy." *leers*

Youji: "Okay, I really /didn't/ want to know that."

Omi: *coughs* "It's the spider-kobolds' turn. The one Ken-kun was fighting burned up in Aya-kun's spell, but three more move up to take its place." *rolls* "Two miss and one hits for another 4 points. The two that were after Youji-kun lose their footing in the grease and fall down, their many legs flailing helplessly. Youji-kun?"

Youji: "I reload and ready another shot at the wizard."

Omi: "Ken-kun? It's your turn again."

Ken: "I full attack!" *rolls* "Aya, if you're done burninating things, get over here and help me out! I can't take more than a few more hits!"

Youji: "I knew we'd be screwed without a cleric."

Farfarello: *lurking in the shadows near the door to the back room* "You called?"

Weiss: "AAAAHHHH!"

*Everybody jumps up and spins around. Omi whips out a dart, Youji pulls out his wire, Ken clenches his fists. Aya grabs the mop from the corner.*

Ken: "How the hell did he get in here?"

Farfarello: "The back door was open." *sways a step forward* "Did I hear something about needing...a priest?" *his one eye lights up disturbingly*

Aya: "/No./ You didn't."

Schuldig: "Hey, Farf! You wanna play?"

Ken: "He ain't playing! Him and priests...I know where that ends up!"

Youji: "And why would he want to play a priest anyway?"

Farfarello: "Tch. I didn't say anything about playing a man of /God./" *pulls out Player's Handbook and reads* "'Erythnul, Lord of Slaughter.' I would play a most /excellent/ priest of this deity."

Omi: "Um, no! Sorry, you can't! Because--because the whole reason we need a priest is to do healing spells! And priests of Erythnul are forbidden from healing."

Farfarello: "...that's not in the book."

Omi: "It's a house rule in my campaign! We've been playing that way for a long time now!"

The rest of Weiss: "Yeah!" *all nod energetically*

Schuldig: *grinning* "Yo, Farf, why don't you play a druid instead? You can do healing, and you also get a bunch of really neat powers! Like wildshape and stuff!"

Farfarello: "I could turn into animals? And summon the dark elemental forces of nature to smite the wretched humanity that taints her fair bosom?"

Youji and Ken: *looking at each other doubtfully* "Uh...yeah. Sure."

Farfarello: "And sacrifice my victims in burning wicker cages?"

Omi: "Um...I guess?"

Farfarello: "Cool. I'm in." *pulls a chair up to the table and sits down*

Ken: "I can't believe we're okay with this...hey, /are/ we okay with this?"

Youji: "Well, we /were/ hurting pretty badly in the healing department."

Schuldig: "It'll be fine, don't worry about it!" *to Aya* "You know, you can put that mop down any time now." *to Farfarello* "Farf, gimme the book and let's roll up your character."

Omi: "No--that'll take too long. Farfarello...kun...um, I'll just print you out a pregenerated druid, and you can adjust it as you like, okay?"

Farfarello: "Fine."

Omi: *hands over character sheet* "Ken-kun, let's resolve your attacks, okay?"

Ken: *rolls in a somewhat more subdued fashion* "That's 22, and 12 points of damage--does it drop?" *Omi shakes his head* "Shit. And my second attack...damn it, that missed."

Omi: "Okay, new round. Aya-kun?"

Aya: *finally sitting down, sans mop* "I charge the wizard."

Ken: "/Aya!/ What did I just say!"

Youji: "You know he's always like that."

Aya: "You're doing fine. And we have to take out that wizard now."

Farfarello: "Hey, can I have a dire weasel for an animal companion?"

Omi: *blinks* "Well, you're fifth level, so...yeah, I guess so."

Farfarello: "Ehehehehe." *scribbles madly*

Youji: "Should we be scared? I mean, more scared than we already are?"

Aya: "Speak for yourself, Youji." *rolls dice* "Natural 20."

Ken: "Damn, Aya! How come you always roll so well?"

Aya: *smirks*

Schuldig: "Must be the dice. I'm gonna have to borrow those for my next roll."

Aya: *steelly glare* "/Don't. Touch. My dice./"

Schuldig: "Ooh, lookit here, I'm touching Aya's virgin dice--"

Aya: "/Shii-ne!/"

Schuldig: "/Ow!/"

Youji: "Aya, don't hit him with my Player's Handbook! /Give/ me that!" *wrestles PHB away from Aya, then makes a disgusted sound* "Look, you've bent the cover. Next time, kill him with your own damn book."

Omi: "No fighting at the table, everyone!" *to Aya* "You charge the wizard, and another spider kobold skitters out of the shadows to block your way."

Aya: "What?!"

Omi: *shrugs* "It had an action readied to protect its master. So you can't actually reach the wizard. But you're threatening a critical hit against the spider-kobold...."

Aya: *growls* *rolls* "18."

Omi: "Don't even bother rolling damage--it's dead. Farfarello-kun, before we go any farther you should roll initiative."

Farfarello: *rolls* "And +2 for me, and +4 for the weasel."

Omi: "Wow. Okay. So the webs that Aya-kun set on fire are still burning. In their light, you can now see that there are a pair of large, cocoon-like objects attached to one of the walls of the room. The fire is burning away the web strands that hold them to the wall, and as you watch they peel loose and drop to the ground. The cocoons begin unraveling, and two figures emerge. One looks like an eight-foot-long weasel. The other--Farfarello-kun, describe yourself, please."

Farfarello: "I wear tattered skins flayed from my enemies and still rust-stained with their blood. My weasel companion's eyes glow with a crimson flame of blood-lust."

Youji: "I'm sensing a theme here."

Farfarello: "And I wield a scythe."

Ken: "Wait, how did a scythe fit into that cocoon? Those things are big!"

Farfarello: "...it's spring-loaded."

Schuldig: "Sproing!" *with appropriate gestures*

Ken: *slumps, burying his face in his hands* "My brain, my poor brain...it didn't wanna go to that place."

Youji: *smirks* "Hey, maybe he keeps his scythe in the same place Ken keeps his pants."

Omi: "Stop teasing Ken-kun about the skirt thing, Youji-kun. It's not his fault that he and Michiru-san were the same height."

Farfarello: "My character doesn't wear pants."

Youji: "...I need more beer."

Aya: "Would people hurry up and take their actions? I want to get to that wizard."

Omi: "It's the weasel's turn."

Farfarello: *points to one of the spider-kobolds attacking Ken's character* "It attacks this one." *rolls*

Omi: "Okay, that hits. Roll damage."

Farfarello: *rolls* "My dire weasel sucks its blood!"

Omi: "Ew." *makes notes* "Okay, the kobold wizard reaches into its sleeve and pulls out a slender length of metal. It's silvery and kind of zigzag-shaped. He points it at Aya-kun and" *rolls* "a stream of butterflies shoots out from its end. Aya-kun, make a Reflex save or you're blinded for one round."

Aya: *rolls* "/Dammit!/"

Schuldig: "Ooh, a wand of wonder! I gots ta get me one of those! Not that my own wand isn't...heh...you know...."

Youji: "Dysfunctional?"

Ken: "Bizarrely warped and twisted?"

Schuldig: *eyes narrowed* "Not exactly the word I was fishing for."

Youji: "Hey, innuendo--it's a game the whole family can play."

Omi: "You're implying that everyone in this room is part of the same family, which is really disturbing." *opens another beer* "Okay, it's Schuldig-kun's turn."

Schuldig: *semi-in character* "I don't know why I help you guys out." *out-of-character* "I put my bow away, draw my rapier, and move over here."

Youji: "Should I be concerned that you're moving in my direction?"

Schuldig: "You should be so lucky, Kudou."

Aya: *sotto voce* "Yes. You /should./"

Omi: "The spider-kobolds that were attacking Ken-kun continue to do so, except for the one getting, um, bitten by the weasel." *rolls* "Okay, never mind, lousy rolls. The ones that were after Youji-kun are wriggling their way to the edge of the /grease/ spell; they'll be out next round. Farfarello-kun?"

Farfarello: "I attack!" *rolls* "YIIYIIYIIYIIYIIYIIYII!"

Ken: *jumps* "What the hell was that?!"

Farfarello: "It's my druidic attack cry."

Ken: "Jesus. Do I have to sit next to him?"

Youji: "You wanna sit here? You can be between the two of them." *indicates Schuldig and Farfarello*

Schuldig: "You too could be the filling in a Schwarz sandwich!"

Ken: "Actually, now that I think about it I'm fine right here." *inches stool closer to Omi*

Omi: "That's another spider-kobold down. Youji-kun."

Youji: "I move along the tops of these fallen columns, toward the wizard."

Omi: "Balance check?" *Youji rolls* "Okay. Ken-kun?"

Omi and Ken: *in unison* "Attack!"

Omi: *sighs* "I figured as much."

Ken: *rolls twice* "/Argh!/ They're frickin' kobolds! I'd kill 'em like that if I could just /hit/ 'em!"

Aya: "It's my turn again. I attack the wizard."

Omi: "Blind?"

Aya: "Of course." *rolls*

Omi: "Well, that was amazingly close. I assume Farfarello-kun's weasel keeps on doing what it's doing? Okay. The kobold wizard spots Youji-kun's approach. It points the wand at him and--" *rolls* "Reflex save, Youji-kun."

Youji: "Don't forget, I have evasion--" *rolls*

Omi: "Doesn't help you. Youji-kun, you shrink down to about six inches tall."

Schuldig: "Hey, now he's Tiny! Not that he wasn't always. Heh."

Youji: *glares* "That's really low."

Schuldig: "And now, so are you!...I just slay me."

Youji: *growls*"Not if I slay you /first./" *grabs*

Schuldig: "Hey! Not the hair! Ow!"

[*Schuldig and Youji tussle. Youji's cell phone goes off while he's being grappled--he reaches for it, but it's just beyond the reach of his flailing fingers. Aya picks up the phone instead and opens it.*]

Aya: "Hello?" *listens* "I'm sorry, he can't come to the phone right now--he's playing Dungeons & Dragons. But I'll be sure to tell him you called. Yes. You're welcome. Goodbye." *hangs up*

Youji: "Aya! /You bastard!/ What the hell was that for?"

Ken: "Wow. Now that's a brave man."

Omi: *nervously* "I'm thinking more like suicidal...of course, that's not really anything new. Now Youji-kun, calm down...."

Aya: "I'm safe from retaliation. After all, /I/ don't have a motorcycle." *small evil smile*

[*Youji grabs a nearby slice of pizza and hurls it at Aya. It hits Aya in the head. For nearly a minute, everyone freezes and stares in fascinated horror. All is still except for the pizza slice, which sliiiiides down the side of Aya's head until it finally falls away, leaving a trail of cheese and pepperoni behind. Slowly Aya's eyes drift open. He stares into the distance.
Then he attacks.*]

Aya: "RARRRR!"

Youji: "/Ow! Shit!/"

Schuldig: "Whoa, whoa, whoa!"

[*Aya lunges for Youji, going right over Schuldig and mashing him into the table. In the struggle, Schuldig's beer is knocked over and spills. Ken scrabbles for the books and character sheets. Omi shrieks like a girl and snatches up his laptop.*]

Aya: "Die, Kudou! /Die!/"

Schuldig: "I never thought I'd say this but--get off! Ow!"

Omi: "I SAID NO FIGHTING AT THE TABLE!"

[*Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! A row of darts strikes the table, the last one coming perilously close to Schuldig's nose. The action freezes at once. Aya considers his options for a moment, but Omi still has another dart in his hand. Reluctantly Aya releases Youji and climbs off Schuldig.*]

[Schuldig: "Now that brings up some scenic mental pictures." *leers*]

[*Schuldig, get your mind out of the gutter for once. And get out of the descriptive text.*]

[Schuldig: "Fine, fine, be that way." *pouts and goes back to being sprawled across the table*]

Omi: "Everybody, clean up the table and /sit down./ Or I'll start docking your XP." *dark, semi-psychopathic glare* "And if /anyone/ spills anything near my laptop again...." *spins the dart between his fingers for emphasis* "They'll be /very/ sorry."

Farfarello: "A DM who keeps order through the use of pointy objects. I approve wholeheartedly."

Schuldig: *sitting up and straightening his bandana* "Maybe Jack Chick was right after all. Playing D&D /is/ dangerous."

 

(*Song lyrics are from "Beautiful Alone," the end theme to the first season of Weiss)

 

 

Part 3:

 

[*More time passes. The kobold wizard uses its move action to escape through a secret door. The party finishes off the rest of the spider-kobolds and then manages to negotiate an alliance with the druid without bloodshed on either side. (Farfarello: "Too bad.") Having done a little healing and opened the secret door, the party is using the dire weasel's scent ability to track the wizard through the corridors beyond. After the druid and the weasel comes Aya's character, with a still-reduced rogue riding on his shoulder, then Schuldig's bard. Ken is guarding the rear. No, not /that/ rear.*]

Ken: "Aw, man! I still can't believe I only got a /cure moderate wounds./ I needed a /cure serious/ at least.

Farfarello: *in character* "If you think those wounds are serious, you should go back to fighter school."

Ken: *in character* "Yeah, well, bite me, Malebranche." *blanches* "Or, you know, not."

Farfarello: *in character* "The pain you suffer will make you stronger." *feral grin*

Schuldig: "Assuming you can feel it, of course...."

Youji: "So how long am I going to be stuck like this, anyway?"

Schuldig: "Aw, but you're so much more fun when you're pocket-sized!" *singing* "I see a teeny-tiny figure of a man / Balinese! Balinese! You need tweezers to--/ow!/"

Youji: *innocent look* "Wasn't me. It was Aya."

Aya: *glares*

Omi: *opens another beer*

Ken: "Um, should you be having that much beer?"

Omi: *with great dignity* "Ken-kun, I know my limit. So the party continues on after the wizard, despite being weakened and knowing that there might be dark elves ahead?"

Ken: "Yeah, sure."

Aya: "No matter what the risk, I will pursue my revenge."

Youji: "Hot dark elf babes. That's my motivation."

Ken: "Oh, man, that's just sad."

Youji: "Don't knock it! Fantasy is part of a healthy sex life." *pulls out a copy of the Book of Erotic Fantasy* "You should try some sometime."

Omi: "Youji-kun! I didn't say you could borrow that!" *snatches the rule book and hides it behind himself, blushing*

Ken: *blinks, then decides it's safer for his mental health to remain oblivious*

Schuldig: "Hey Aya, you've still got pizza in your hair."

Aya: "If your tongue comes anywhere near me, I'm going to cut it off."

Farfarello: *cackles*

Omi: "NO BEER! I mean, no fighting." *coughs, then rubs at his nose* "So the pash- the passageway slopes down for another hundred feet, then levels off. About thirty feet ahead, you can see an open doorway."

Schuldig: *in character* "Hist! If the wizard is lying in wait in that room--"

Youji: "--he can nuke us with a lightning bolt or something as we go through that door. Maybe we should send the weasel in first, as a decoy."

Farfarello: *in character* "Maybe we should throw the mannikin through the doorway first." *glares*

Youji: *in character* "Oh, yeah? You just come and get me!"

Aya: *sidelong look* "And you're riding on me why?"

Youji: "A dubious sense of safety?"

Aya: *sighs and shakes his head* "I run into the room, to draw the wizard's fire."

Youji: "/Aya!/"

Aya: *ignoring Youji* "Where's the nearest cover after I get through the doorway?"

Omi: *rolls dice* "Your charge takes you out of the range of Ken-kun's lantern. The room beyond is dimly lit by a phoshphoreshent glow. Your eyes adjust just in time to see the floor drop off suddenly in front of your feet. Reflex shave. I mean, save. And Youji-kun, Strength check."

Aya: *rolls*

Youji: *mutters and rolls*

Omi: "M'kay. Aya-kun, you stop right at the edge. Youji-kun's just able to hold on."

Youji: *semi-in character* "Nice going, O impetuous one."

Aya: "Is this a ravine? How far down is the bottom?"

Omi: "Just a minute. Everyone else?"

Ken: "Well, nothing blew them up or attacked them, so I guess we should go in too."

Schuldig: "Ah, such masters of strategy." *waves* "Lead on, I'll follow."

Ken: "No, /you/ go first, remember? I'm not havin' you behind me."

Farfarello: "/I'll/ go first."

Omi: "Once you're all inside the room, you can see it's both tall and long--about 60' wide and high, and about 120' long. You can just barely make out the steeply peaked ceiling, draped with spiderwebs. It looks like the original floor either collapsed or was blown out by something, 'cause you can see right down into the wreckage of what must've been smaller rooms underneath--they look like cells, or something. Some of the walls of those cells are still intact. At the far end of the room, about halfway up the wall, you see a round stained glass window with a dull, flick'ring, swirling light moving around behind it." *makes an abstract swirly gesture* "There's seems to be some kind of balcony in front of the window--you can see a railing silhouetted against it."

Youji: "Wait, are those /big/ spiderwebs, or just ordinary cobwebs?"

Omi: "Of course they're big. You wouldn't /see/ them from here if they were small."

Aya: "Is there anything else up by the ceiling?"

Omi: "Um, just some balconies and buttresses. No, wait--I meant arches. Buttresses would be outside. If there was an outside."

Schuldig: *in Beavis voice* "He said 'butt'! Ehehehe."

Omi: "Grow /up,/ Schuldig-kun. Not everyone's obsessed with...stuff."

Schuldig: *stares and slowly grins*

Omi: *flushes and reaches for his beer*

Ken: "Hey, the rest of your group isn't going to show up on us tonight, are they?"

Farfarello: "Why? Does the prospect frighten you?"

Schuldig: "Nah, you've got nothing to worry about. Nagi's addicted to EverCrack. And Crawford won't play anything but WhiteWolf."

Youji: *rolls his eyes* "I bet he plays a mage."

Schuldig: "Brujah, actually."

Youji: "No kidding?"

Schuldig: "You'd be surprised."

Farfarello: "Feh. Vampire is for posers. Now Wraith--/that's/ a game for you."

Schuldig: "Yeah, you haven't lived until you've had Farfarello playing your Shadow."

Youji: *pales*

Aya: "Ahem. About the /room/?"

Omi: "Oh, yeah. So what're you guys doing?"

Youji: "Well, a fane is something like a church or a temple. Is there an altar down at the far end?"

Schuldig: *steeples fingers* "An eeeevil altar?"

Ken: *mutters* "It'd have to be, wouldn't it?"

Omi: "Your lantern's light doesn't reach that far; neither does the phosh- um, the glow, which is coming from crystal panels on either side of the doorway. The only reason you can see the stained-glass window is 'cause there's a light behind it."

Ken: "So, hey--d'you think this is where the dark elves are?"

Schuldig: "Nice that you could catch up with us, bright boy."

Ken: *gives Schuldig the finger*

Aya and Farfarello: *talking over each other "Can I see anything unusual in the cells?" "Where does the wizard's trail lead?"

Omi: *brightly* "Listen check, ev'rybody!"

Everyone: *groans, grumbles, and lots of dice rolling*

Omi: "Hee! Okay, so you move up to a spot about 20 feet into the room, about 10 feet short of the drop. The scent trail seems to stop here; the weasel casts around but can't seem to find anything else."

Ken: "Wha- can he fly or something?"

Youji: "I was gonna say pit trap, but since the weasel doesn't seem to be setting anything off...."

Aya: "Are there any other doorways? Also, is there any way for us to get to the far end of the room?"

Omi: "Nope, no doorways." *rolls dice* "Suddenly Ken-kun is lifted straight up into the air!"

Ken: "Wah! What is it? What's going on?"

Youji: "Grab him, grab him!"

Omi: "The only one close enough is Shuruderihhi...Shuru...Jur...."

Schuldig: "C'mon, spit it out." *grins*

Omi: *dirty look* "/Schu-kun./ But he doesn't have time to do anything."

Ken: "Aw, crap."

Schuldig: "Are you sure? I'm fast. And I've got Improved Initiative!"

Omi: "Nope! No good."

Youji: "Come to think of it, we haven't even rolled initiative yet. Are we actually being attacked here or what?"

Farfarello: *narrowed eyes* "This smells like railroading to me."

Omi: "You guys! C'mon, this is really cool. Just listen." *leans forward dramatically over his notes* "As the fighter is lifted up into the air, the light from his lantern plays across the room's back wall. About 20 feet up, there's a large recess in the wall--it's an organ loft, and you can dimly see the bulk of the enormous musical instrument set back in the shadows, its metal pipes glinting dully in the torchlight. From the dimness close to the ceiling, one giant, spidery leg emerges into view, then another, and another--the creature that climbs slowly down the pipes and then out onto the wall has the lower body of a huge spider and the upper body of a dark-skinned elf. It holds the limp form of the kobold wizard in one fist."

Youji, Ken, and Schuldig: *various expostulations of "Ohhhh, shit!"*

Schuldig: "Oookay! Magic missile! Any time now!"

Aya: "Hmph." *smirks almost imperceptibly*

Youji: "I've still got the hand crossbow from before, and I'm...six inches tall. *Fuck.*"

Farfarello: "You can still shoot. You just won't be as effective."

Schuldig: "Remind me to make some snarky double entendre when my character's not about to die."

Youji: *muttering* "Why wait?"

Ken: "Can I sheathe my sword and draw my crossbow without dropping the lantern?"

Aya: "Initiative first." *reaches for dice*

Omi: "Wait! There's more!--From behind you, you hear a soft sound, the hiss of blades being drawn from the sheath. A single figure emerges gradually into the dim light, walking toward you along the top of one of the lower level's walls. He moves with perfect balance, seeming obliv'ous to the irregular stone underfoot or the open pits on either side. As he draws nearer, you can see he's a dark elf. In his hands gleam two bared, curved blades--"

Youji: "Wha-"

Omi: "--and like a shadow a black panther flows up over the rubble to his side, its movements shin...shinu...sin--"

Youji: "We're fighting fucking /DRIZZT/?"

Aya: *eyes light up alarmingly*

Ken: *half-moans, half-growls, and puts his head in his hands*

Omi: "/Sinuous./ And graceful. And your characters don't know who Drizzt is, remember?"

Youji: "Holy crap on a cracker." *under his breath* "I don't know whether to cry or laugh my ass off."

Schuldig: "Drizzt. And a drider." *leans back and looks thoughtful*

Omi: "/Player knowledge,/ Schu-kun." *glares*

Aya: *still warming up his dice* "Can we roll initiative /now/?"

Omi: "Hold on!" *everybody groans* "No, wait, it's almost done! There's movement at the other side of the organ loft from the dri--the spider-elf thingie--and a beautiful dark elf woman steps from the shadows and onto the railing. *dramatic in-character voice* 'Welcome, adventurers, to the fane of your trial.' Her voice is musical and subtly mocking. The drider hurls the kobold's body onto the floor among you." *deep breath* "Okay. /Now/ roll for initiative."

Everyone: *urgent rolling*

[The weasel and the panther engage each other. The drider leaps down onto the floor to attack, and Farfarello wildshapes into a bear to fight it. Schuldig sings. Aya advances to meet the dark elf with the swords, who waits for him. Youji considers moving to someplace safer, then stays put and shoots at the elf, but misses.]

Ken: "Isn't it my turn /yet/?"

Omi: "Not yet. But make a Will" -hic- "save."

Ken: *grumbles and rolls* "Uh..." *with faint and desperate hope* "...11?"

Omi: *giggles*

Youji: "We're in trouble."

Schuldig: "Yeah, so you noticed?"

Omi: *sparkly eyes* "Ken-kun, you're looking at the woman, and you realize that you reeeeally like her. You like her a lot. Like she's your best friend."

Youji: "Wow. That much, huh?" *smirks suggestively at Ken, who doesn't get it*

Schuldig: "Best friends, eh? /Hmmm./"

Ken: *uncomprehending but still flustered* "Uh, I try to resist!"

Omi: "That was what you just rolled for, Ken-kun."

Schuldig: "Maybe he means resist the urge to tear off his 'best friend's' clothes."

Youji: "Yeah! Those sexy, sexy dark elves, man."

Ken: "I-"

Omi: "It's still not your turn yet, Ken-kun." *clears throat* "The dark elf smiles sweetly at you. Then she steps up onto the wall and begins walking along it. She ends up standing on the sloping underside of the arch next to you, kinda head down. But not really totally upside down. Um." *makes an illustrative hand diagram, one hand vertical, the other one connecting with it at an oblique angle, then frowns perplexedly* "It's kinda hard to explain...."

Youji: "That's the problem with those exotic positions." *nods sagely*

Schuldig: "Kid, congratulations. You've done your Uncle Youji proud."

Youji: "Oh, I can't take all the credit. Kid's a natural genius."

Omi: *gives up on the hand diagram* "Anyway! Ken-kun, /now/ it's your turn."

Ken: "I- uh- what does she look like?"

Schuldig and Youji: *crack up*

Aya: *rolls eyes and hmphs in what's almost a laugh--or would be, if he wasn't also aggravated*

Ken: *flushing* "I mean, does she look like a wizard or a cleric or...what?"

Omi: "She's really pretty. I mean, she's beautiful. She's got long, soft, white hair, skin like the night sky--"

Farfarello: "Are there stars in her too?"

Omi: "Shut up. Blue eyes--"

Schuldig: "I thought drow had reddish eyes. Or was that white?"

Omi: *firmly* "These elves have blue eyes. And her body is...well. It's /really/ nice." *makes hand gestures that will embarrass horribly him in the morning when Youji imitates them* "And she's wearing these...it's kinda like...um."

Youji: "Hard to explain?"

Omi: *hesitates, then pulls out the Book of Erotic Fantasy, opens it, and thrusts it out toward the rest* "Like this."

[Ken, Youji, and Schuldig all lean forward to stare. Farfarello smirks. Aya looks uncomfortable and annoyed.]

Ken: "Oh. Wow."

Schuldig: *snickers* "Ken's wondering how that stays up."

Ken: "That's not--!" *realizes it would be a bad idea to say that he's actually picturing what would happen if it /didn't/ stay up and huddles back down on his stool* "Uh."

Youji: "Actually, the question is how those breasts stay /down,/ considering that she's standing on the ceiling." *blinks* "Or should that be 'stay up'? Man, these Escher rooms can be so confusing...."

Schuldig: *raises hand* "Ooh! Ooh! Hey, if this is an Escher room, can I be David Bowie?"

Aya: *rubbing his forehead and muttering* "Thank you. I'd almost managed to forget about the tights."

Youji: *sotto voce* "So what does it say about Aya that he immediately had /that/ association?"

Aya: *sotto voce* "I heard that." *glares sidelong at Youji*

[Omi snaps the book closed, startling Ken out of a reverie, and, blushing, makes it disappear again. Farfarello cackles.]

Farfarello: "Excellent. This game was sorely lacking in harlots. And wenches!"

Youji: *muttering* "But not sluts."

Schuldig: "Et tu, Youji?"

Aya: "/Ken./ Are you /doing/ anything?"

Ken: "Uh, yeah, right...well. I don't know what else I can do, so I guess I'll just hang up here in mid-air like an idiot. And don't say anything! That goes for /all/ of you guys."

Everyone: *tries and mostly fails to look innocent*

Omi: "Okay. So. New round!"

[The weasel and the panther roll around on the floor, clawing and biting. The drider takes a swat at Schuldig and misses. Farfarello, still in bear form, grapples it and bites. Schuldig continues to sing. Aya and the dark elf trade inconclusive blows. Youji shoots and misses again.]

Youji: "Aw, man! Why couldn't I have been riding on Ken's shoulder? I could be helping him out with the hot elf chick."

Schuldig: "And what exactly were you planning to do, Kudou? Stage-dive into her cleavage?"

Youji: "Ooh!"

Omi: "The elf woman has been watching the battle from above. Now she says quietly, just to Ken-kun, 'Be at ease, warrior. Do not fear. Did I not say this was a trial?'"

Youji: "Uh, hey, if we're not supposed to be hearing this, shouldn't you two step out of the room or something?"

Omi: *airily* "It's fine; don' worry about it, Youji-kun. Jus' pretend that you're not here."

Schuldig: *telepathically to Youji* "He doesn't want to try to make it to the door. The room's wobbling."

Youji: *hides a grin* "Heh."

Omi: "'Your companions are being tested, to prove their worth. For there are dark powers moving in the Underearth. We are not in truth your foes.'" *leans in close to Ken and stares into Ken's eyes with passionate earnestness*

Ken: *has a brief, panicky mental flash of Omi wearing the dark elf's outfit and decides that he's definitely had more than enough beer* "Um...."

Youji: *under his breath* "So we could just stop fighting them at any time?"

Farfarello: "Hmph. I keep on gnawing on the monster's head."

Omi: "'If your fellow advent'rers hold their own, we shall call truce an' hold counsel. There may be much aid that we can give each other." *leans closer and speaks in a hushed murmur* "But to you an' you alone, brave warrior, I have this to say--' *draws a dramatic breath* "--/AWK!/"

[Omi loses his balance, flails momentarily, and then topples onto Ken, who was already leaning back nervously on his stool. The two of them hit the ground with a resounding crash.]

Ken: "/Ow!/"

Omi: *dreamily* "...whee...hee hee..."

[There follows a moment of silence. Farfarello looks speculatively down at the two members of Weiss sprawled on the floor next to his chair.]

Schuldig: "...and three, two, one." *leans back in his seat* "Houston, we have just lost consciousness. More or less."

Youji: "Darn. And right when things were starting to get interesting, too."

Schuldig: "Yeah. And there was actually some cool plot stuff going on behind the scenes there--although he /was/ playing fast and loose with the rules."

Farfarello: "Heh. I knew it."

Schuldig: "So the next time we play, we'll just have make sure to keep him away from the beer. Agreed?"

Youji: "Uh...next time?"

Schuldig: "Sure! After all, how could you continue the adventure without your trusty bard?"

Farfarello: "Or my weasel? Ehehehe."

Schuldig: "Hey, you never know when you'll need a weasel. Besides, having our characters just disappear like that would mess up the continuity. And you /know/ we're all about the continuity."

Farfarello: "Aye. And the perfectly logical plot devices."

Schuldig: "Demons? Kundalini? Evil old occultists from Switzerland? Who, us?"

Youji: "Um, yeah. Right." *sweatdrops profusely* "Hey, Aya, c'mon--help me out with why going on with this thing is probably not a really good idea."

Aya: "..."

Youji: *exasperated sigh* "Oi, /Aya!/ Don't you have anything to say?"

Aya: "...I didn't get to finish my fight with Drizzt."

Youji: "..."

Schuldig: "Fightus interruptus." *snerk*

Ken: "Um...guys? Can I have some help down here? Please?"

Omi: "...mmm, Ken-kun..."

 

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